Month of Gratitudes

I have had such a hard time getting back here and writing.  I don't know that I want all the bad and hard stuff out there in cyberland (even though I know my few faithful followers would never care or share it) because a lot of what has been going on is my boys' story, their healing and trauma and not mine to share with the whole of the electronic world.  And somehow writing about the good stuff has been hard too.  I don't want only writing about the good stuff to make it appear that everything is okay or somehow to minimize the challenges and difficulties of our lives and how truly difficult it is and what a long journey healing is.

That being said, I need an out...somewhere to remember that our lives are going on and not just ending here.

So.....what to do?  I'm not going to make promises or set goals or whatever because I've done that before and never followed through....but I am giving myself permission to blog....and we'll see where that takes us...

Today I finished a weighted blanket and pillow case for a friend and they'll go in the mail on Monday...

I also made yummy bias to edge another quilt that has been a lost unfinished orphan for far too long

It snowed...the boys had fun....most of it is gone now

Brady worked with the boys on getting a roof on the tree house

Church is hard.  The Primary President has issues with children with mental health challenges...we haven't attended in over 2 months.  I don't know how to resolve it...but I cannot let them attend in an unsafe environment.


We want to move but the more I want to move  the more things get in the way and let me know we are going to be here awhile....I've been told in answer to my prayers that living here will always be the same the people will never change and will never truly care about our family.....I'm trusting in the Lord that if we are meant to move that he will provide a way.


The time changes tomorrow.....I'm looking forward to being able to sleep in...

I'm going to go ask my music man...if we can go out to eat....

Good Things Utah

Someone was kind enough to bring attention to the work I am doing with Lottes of Love http://lottesoflove.blogspot.com/ to help my friend Charlotte with her cancer related medical bills.

Thank you for helping to spread the word about Lottes of Love!

JANITOR'S BOOK SIGNING!

Soon after returning home from vacation the much awaited book Janitor's written by Tyler Whitesides (husband of Samuel's much loved teacher last year Connie Whitesides) was released and he was signing books at a local book store.  Of course we had to pick up Jackson and go!  It was so fun! 

The boys loved seeing Mrs. Whitesides almost as much as getting their books signed.

Samuel was trying to catch Tyler up on all his doings of the 

summer in the 30 seconds it took for his book to be signed.

Benjamin was a little shy but loved getting his own signed book as well.

Jackson was quite pleased that Tyler remembered him from when 

he was in Mrs. Whitesides' class the year before.

We even had a special treat of being able to see Tyler and his percussion friends perform before the signing.  You can relive it all here:



 

I didn't get a picture because I was driving but their noses were all buried in books on the way home.  Definitely a memory worth recording.  Now when is book 2 being released?

Pacific Northwest

 For our summer vacation we took a 19hour road trip to Washington State.  While there we jumped in the Pacific Ocean.

Looked for sea shells, starfish, hermit crabs and a whole variety of other ocean life in Larabee and Birch Bay.

 The music man and I took a moment to reconnect and just enjoy the beauty of our surroundings

 Took a family picture with all of us in it.  Our last family picture was taken before Tiny T joined our family..

 Climbed all over some rocky outcroppings, looking in the tide pools as these rocks were all under water when the tide was in.

We were lucky enough to be able to tour a couple of tall ships that were in port for the day.  The crew was in  period costume and answered all of our questions.

We had a great time playing with our friends the N family.  Strengthening our friendships and having a new adventure together.  The boys are already talking about what they want to do when we go back again next year.  It was so nice to disconnect from the world, slow down our pace, relax and enjoy the beautiful world Heavenly Father made for us.

Commitment or Fudge?

So sometime in January when we were having some kind of freaky Spring weather break.  ( It was in the 50's and 60's and we were running around outside without any jackets and talking about pulling the bikes out of storage, oh and thinking about planting a garden--I even bought the seeds)  I read about the Mom's going to Orlando planning to do a 5K.  Corey even challenged me ( and you, and your neighbor, and your sister's neighbor) to join them and run our own 5K wherever we were.  I was EXCITED! 

I thought to myself, "Self!  You can do this!  You can come home after church and run back and forth along the river-walk (It's a mile each way) and then call and have Mr. Music Man and the kids pick you up on the other end of the trail as you start your last mile." 

And my self said, "OH YEAH!  We are going to DO THIS!"


So I emailed Corey and said I was in.  Of course the next day it snowed and I was welcomed back to the reality of a Northern Utah Winter.  But I didn't care  I started visiting the rec center more often and working out in my Living Room and my self reassured me saying, "Surely by the 2nd week of March the Spring weather will be back again."  And I kept working out and feeling pretty good.  A friend even said (and I quote), "She put on her ninja suit and she’s kickin’ it and she is doing a fine job of it, too."  Which is taken slightly out of context but she did say it about me and so she can consider me posting it her consequences for talking about me in front of ya'all's faces.(And if you don't know what that means you don't read enough, truly!)

Then came the Saturday before the Orlando 5K and this is what we were doing outside that day:

Uhm, yeah and I committed to run a little over 3 miles the next morning and the Rec Center in town is not open on Sundays here.  So I got creative and this is the Wii and me after finishing my 5K Sunday night.

(and yes you are seeing a few Christmas Decorations that have not yet been laid to rest sitting on the mantle still)

Then the other day I went and made a commitment to Kiss refined sugars goodbye and I've done pretty good so far, except for gum.....and that's not real sugar so it doesn't count right?

What have you committed yourself to lately?

And did you have to fudge the rules to keep it?

You Hit me First! No! You Hit Me FIRST!

So I've been noticing all of the visitors to my blog and I'm grateful ya'all took a minute to stop by.  I'm guessing that you probably hopped here from a comment I left on your blog or a blog that you read.  And yet when you arrive you have been greeted with messages that are months old and truly the last year I have not posted much of substance or consequence.

Well that is all about to change!  (maybe I'm feeling grandiose and motivated at the moment just in case you couldn't tell)

I'm Writing it on the Wall (so to speak) to give myself a wee bit of accountability.
  So If I fall behind comment and get me back on task.


So here are some bullet points of what I've been up to:

*  The Tyrant embarked upon the great adventure of potty training and he has mastered all the necessary skills in record time (that is what you came her to learn isn't it?  :P )

*  The Engineer has been working with his hands of late and learned how to use sand paper, a coping saw, paint and some tape to create his first Pinewood Derby Car.  The big race is tomorrow night!  He is SO EXCITED!

*  The Comedian has been dabbling in the literary world once again.  He has written, illustrated, and published several short books about dragons in addition to the short stories he has shared here on the blog.  He is also embarking on a journey of writing and illustrating  a 6 chapter book about different kinds of dragons and how they help children work through their fears and problems.  I've promised him that when it is done we will see if we can get it published in a real book format.  He's also invited two of his dragon friends to come and live with us for awhile to help him with some of his worries.

*  Mr. Music Man had the opportunity to present at a DJ conference a month or so ago and came home totally reinvigorated and full of ideas on how to improve our business.  He's had some great ideas and is really throwing himself into steering the business in a new direction.  It must be working because he's booked practically every weekend for the next couple of months.

*  I have been so excited to be a little bit involved in some of the planning and even more excited to be able to attend the 2011 Utah Mom's Retreat the second weekend of May.  So excited in fact that a couple of weeks ago I told the children at church that we had to really work on getting ready to sing for Mother's Day because it was only 5 weeks away.  It only took me 48 hours to come to the realization that I want May to be here so much that I had in fact misled them as at the time Mother's Day was 9 weeks away.  But whose counting?

So for now there's the update on us in a nutshell.  Thanks for stopping by!


But uhm....hitting isn't nice!

Some Summer Fun

What are they doing?  

I'm really wanting the cold to go away and the summer warmth (or at least the spring warmth) to come and play with us again.  There have been several days during the last week that our high was in the single (and sometimes in the negative) digits.  So here are some fun pics from Summertime to warm me up.

Slides are sooooo second grade!

Mom he's making a road with my War Cards!

So what exactly is the point of 52 card pick-up?

Overheard at My House

2010 was a year of trauma, sorrow, grief, anger, rage and more pain than I have the skills to adequately convey in written form.  Not to mention that this really isn't the proper medium to do so.  Those of you who have walked the walk with me have an idea of what we've been through.  For a variety of reasons I have not written much over the last year.  However, The true purpose of this blog is for my boys to have a scrapbook of their childhood.  And while the year was full of difficulties there were also moments of typical childhood, joy, and all out silliness.  So with that in mind I went back through my journal and Facebook status (what would we ever do with out Facebook?) and found moments that I find memorable  So here's a compilation of things overheard at my house during the last year or so.


Guess who said, "My dad is the oldest kid in my family. I don't know how old he is but he's older than Braden. He's so old he only has to ask permission sometimes"  (April 10, 2010--The credit for this one goes to Miss Emma who is not my child but it was too good to not record)


Guess who said, "I don't want any root beer floats because I'm feeling obnoxious." (May 8, 2010)  Hint:  It was NOT the comedian

My boys were playing some sort of treasure hunt, knights game crossed with Star Wars and Dinotopia universe. One boy said dramatically to the other, "No give me the REAL treasure so I can keep it safe!" Other boy handed over a small container of dental floss. I'm sure their dentist will be impressed! (May 13, 2010)

"would you like to play meteors killed herbivores?" (June 6, 2010)  Note:  They played but somewhere along the way the herbivores became space ships made out of Legos

So far the "Where's goose?" count is up to 12....somehow I think it is going to be a long day of helping the little one locate "goose"  (August 2, 1010)  *note:  "Goose" is my sister in law's cat who is going to be a long term house guest while they are working out their relocation plans.  His name is actually Bruce but at our house....Goose it is! At least according to our Tiny Tyrant*

My 6 yo lost a tooth tonight!!!! His 8 yo brother carefully examined his mouth and expressed deep concern over his bleeding gums, then dramatically announced that we needed to call the doctor because there might be complications! *roll eyes now*  (August 25, 2010)


Comedian requested "Noodles with crackers on top and some cheese" for dinner....so uhm...Not Your Mother's Tuna Casserole it is  (Oct. 18, 2010)

Comedian
 ". . . but can nickels be used as quarters?" (Jan 25th, 2010)

"Well, maybe your teacher doesn't know as much as momma knows!"

"Mama, I'm sure glad that the school lets us have EVERY SATURDAY off! That is so nice of them!"



Tyrant exclaimed, "Engineer you're a boy!" (really? hmmm.... tell me something I didn't know.) (Jan 1, 2011)


Engineer, "Mom do you think we could have some kind of treat? A cold treat? Like maybe a Popsicle? I'm not going to push you too hard and ask for ice-cream or something...but would a Popsicle or something like that be okay?" (Jan 6, 2011--by the Engineer)

Shhh......Don't Tell

"The autobiographies of parents and grandparents can be valuable 

in providing information to the family's children for any number of reasons

---from merely the delight of a hobby to a medical treatment. ..."

"Individual autobiographies provide insights that contribute 

to the family both now and as they are passed along to following 

generations. An autobiography provides a unique outlook that 

helps to establish a family identity, a foundation that can influence 

the members of that family for ages to come."

To look at my extended family you would never know that we are a family built upon secrets. Secrets that have been and will probably be taken to the grave. There is much weird and quirky stuff that is not a secret. My great grandfather and his brother married sisters and lived in the same home together. Whoever was currently pregnant got the privilege of living downstairs while the other couple lived upstairs. My mother's first cousin married her husband's sister. I have a first cousin who married my second cousin and had 5 children together. And none of this is secret. My mother's step-sister ran away from home in her teens and nobody knows where she is, however months after she left her purse was dropped by at my grandmother's home with a note saying that "Lynette won't need this where she is"

However my mother still seeks for information about her biological father. All she knows is a name from her birth certificate, and whispered unconfirmed rumors. Maybe he was a polygamist, maybe he was a pharmacist, maybe he used to work in Spanish Fork. My grandmother is alive and well and this is something she is unwilling to talk about. I know that this bothers my mother as we've talked about it and she has spent considerable time trying to locate him or find out any information that she can about him.

My mother's older brother doesn't even have a name on a birth certificate. He was mostly raised by my great grand parents. He's dead now and I wonder if his children wonder about his ancestry as much as I do.

I was born when my mother was still in High School. I know this mostly because there is a picture of her holding me in her graduation gown. I don't know who my biological father is. There are rumors that I've heard all my life. Maybe he died in a car crash, maybe he died in Vietnam, he was a cousin of my grandmother's next door neighbors who I grew up playing with. I don't even have a name on a birth certificate to go on. I was legally adopted by my step-father when I was quite young and a new birth certificate was issued.

There is a family rumor that my great-grandfather caused my mother and step-father to get married at "gunpoint" when she became pregnant with my younger brother.  I know they were married at Niagara Falls or something like that because a picture exists of my mother in her hot-pink mini- skirt that she wore for her wedding dress.

One of the reasons I want to keep this record of our family is I want my boys to have something that they can look back on and remember what our life was like when they were 2 or 5 or 8, etc.  I don't want them to be constantly floundering to find their identity wondering what if.  I want them to know and remember both the good times and the hard times.

This last year has been full of hard times.  The details don't need to be included here, although I may add them in when I print this into a book for our family records.  What does need to be remembered is that through the hard times we had each other.  Their father and I moved heaven and earth to keep them safe and to help them heal and move through the hard times.  Our Savior was there each and every moment and heard our prayers and comforted  and healed our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits.  We are beloved children of a wise and loving Father who lives in heaven and He will see us through all the experiences we have during our lives here on earth.

Service with Legos

For Christmas my 7 year old son, Benjamin, got the submarine docking Lego kit of his dreams.  It is recommended for children ages 7-14 and as his birthday is on the 19^th of December he was certain he would qualify for the kit.  His excitement was palpable when he opened the gift.  He later got out the needed containers to keep his parts all separated and began working diligently on following the building map at the kitchen table.  His older brother, Samuel, was doing the same thing on the other side of the table but with his Lego starship.  After about 45 minutes of diligent building it became clear that the build was just a bit more complicated than Benjamin was up for, so Samuel offered to work on it for a bit if Benjamin wanted to go do something else for awhile.  Samuel worked on Ben’s ship until it was dinner time and Ben was bouncing with gratitude that his brother would help him on his submarine.  After the boys were in bed I found my husband sitting at the table trying to get the submarine finished so that Ben could play with it in the morning.  He stayed up way past his own bedtime working until it was finished.  The joy and unbelief on Benjamin’s face and in his voice was overwhelming as he thanked his papa and his brother again for finishing building his kit.  It made me think of the parable of the bicycle.  Ben did all he could and his dad and brother stepped in to make up the difference.  I feel so blessed that my guys love and serve one another and that as family members we can emulate the Savior’s love for each other in our day to day lives.

The Super Pants are White

Ever since Saturday, November 27th the Tyrant has been singing a song that he composed himself.  It goes like this:



The Super pants, the super pants, the super pants are WHITE!!!!!!
(repeat 1st line)

Now you may think that this has something to do with Superman but you would be mighty wrong.  On that last Saturday in November my Engineer chose to enter the waters of baptism.  It was a very special day and meant even more to me after all of the heartache and hurt of the past year.  We had some very close friends present and my husband's brother and his family here.  Just a small gathering.  Nothing too overwhelming for the boy who has been terrified of being touched or losing control.  I was so proud of my boy.  He really felt the spirit that day and it was evident in his bright and shining demeanor.

Clearly it meant something to the smallest member of our household as well.  Because he is now aspiring to wear his own pair of Super White Pants.  Although he has already begun negotiations to see if we can get a special dispensation so that he can be baptized at 7 instead of 8.  Somehow I don't think the Prophet is going to be swayed by his reasoning.

Thanks for your prayers and for sticking by our family through the difficult times and for celebrating with us during the times of joy.

A Month of Gratitude....day 1

I want to start off this month by focusing on the blessings in my life.  It has been a super difficult 6 months and there has been much strife, chaos, pain, and sheer brokenness.  While we have all healed some there is still a long road to walk and day by day we are working at putting together what our new normal is going to look like.  One amazing lady who has laughed, cried, played and lifted me up is someone that I had never met until all this trauma was discovered.  So today I am grateful for Diana and all the other crazy moms out there who know how hard this walk is and who strive to lighten each other's loads by sharing our burdens.

This picture is of her being a SUPERMOM.  Don't you love her cape?

 She has been a friend who has listened with her heart as well as her ears.  And this weekend I think she literally saved my life.  I hope I can be as good a friend to her as she has been to me.

A Dragon Against Manticore Army

Another story by the Comedian

Two-thousand manticores have been attacking the city.

A boy on a dragon have been attacking them but a sea monster and the manticores were too much for him on 2000 Main Street.  The dragon landed on the sea monsters head and the sea monster ate his own head trying to get him.  Now there are only 2000 manticores left to be beat.  One maticore have charged at the dragon.  The dragon and the human made it crazy.  The human grabbed onto the manticore's head and the dragon ate its horn.  When that one had been defeated all the other manticores attacked at the same time.  As easy as last time one big giant chicken flew and sat on all the manticores heads.  Then the dragon ate all the horns from the manticores while the big giant chicken was distracting them.  The city was safe once again....

Stay tuned for next time. . .

The Sea Monster WAS ATTACKING!!!!!  The dragon put fire on all the scales, then the dragon bite-ed off it’s tail.  The Sea Monster was furious!  So the Sea Monster was chasing the dragon around in circles.  It got tired off.  Then the dragon ate one spine off the Sea Monster above his eyes.

Stay tuned for the next adventure of the dragoN




.

No Hope. . .

Another blogger whom I follow had the title "No Hope"  of course Hope is her dog and she was talking about something else entirely.  But I read it and thought that's how I feel right now.  I feel like there is no hope.  No hope of me not bursting into tears every time someone asks me how I'm doing, no hope of the boys being okay again, no hope of anyone understanding how much I hurt and how deep my grief goes.

I often wonder lately why I even try to keep going forward because there really doesn't seem like any hope of ever getting better.  No hope of being able to pull our family out of this trial stronger on the other side knowing that we will be okay.

I'm just so tired and sadly I really just want to give up...tried the test...did my best...and I'd rather not pass on to the next grade.

I wonder how one might "clep" out of all the rest?

So what's lower than low gear?

Today was okay...but harder...or something

Today's Accomplishments
*  Finally returned dish to Sis. L hopefully the tomatoes were compensation for the tardy return
*  Walked to Sis. L's with the boys and stopped to play at the park for awhile on the way home
*  Dishes finally got done
*  uhm.....

Daily Gratitude
*  Sis. Cabrera's kind offer to share dinner with our family
*  Roxies love and playfullness....the boys really enjoyed playing catch with her
*  Tyrant boy willingly took a nap

Memorable Moments
*  Tyrant boy asked for more sleeps when I checked on him after an hour and a half
*  The Engineer giving Sister Cabrera the third degree about how Mexican food differed from "real" food (someday I need to figure out how to teach that boy tact....)
*  Kar listening and really caring not just offering empty words and being willing to help out even though she's got a full plate of her own

**and I can't forget miss Corey's creativi-TEA and thoughtful card....

Okay....any prayers are welcome tomorrow is going to be rough.  Mr. Music Man is off to the Zombie Prom all day/night and I need to make it through it all with the boys.....single parenthood is so not my forte'

Functioning on Low lately....

So lately (as evidenced by the lack of posting here) we've been (okay I've been) functioning on low.  Not coping well with the stresses of life and becoming a bit of a turtle stuck in my shell.  So today....I'm going to go back to what I know works for me and notice

Today's Accomplishments
*  Made french toast for breakfast for all three boys 
*  woke up and got dressed (yep lately that is a huge accomplishment)
*took Mr. Music Man lunch, kids to the park for a few hours, finally bought toothbrushes (don't ask how long that has been on the list), did a bit of grocery shopping, shook money out of the piggy bank, and bribed paid the children to do cleaning jobs....

50 cents--bathroom fully cleaned
                sweep and mop kitchen
                vacuum and dust living room


5 cents--put silverware away from dishwasher
              sort laundry
              fold one load of laundry




Gratitude

* True friends who show they care; not just say they care and move on.  Those who help me to carry the heavy burdens and not just tell me they know I can do and that I am strong.

* Prayer....

* So grateful my Tiny Tyrant is okay after his fall last weekend....although I wince everytime I look at the mottled bruising all over his face.......



Memorable Moments
*  My sweet Comedian who is encouraging me to orchestrate a family adventure

*Goose the visiting cat asking when the house will be clean...or barring the house just his litter box.

*The Engineer and the Comedian both figured out how to pump on the swings by themselves today.  Later the Engineer told me that he was sure glad he "trusted" me and kept going even when he didn't seem to be moving much.  The Comedian wants to build swings at out own house.....hmmm...something to think about...





Hopefully I'll add to this throughout the day but if not. . . .All is Well!

What's More American than. . .

flying flags, singing patriotic songs and gathering inside a football stadium to watch

 bright shiny lights explode in the night sky waiting with baited breath until we see even  more. . .

all the while stuffing our little tummies with kettle corn, snowcones and the evil and insipid

Truthfully all told, even though the mom did not plan for healthy snacks to munch on and we pretty much gorged on all the sugary goodness being sold by the concession stands, we had a really great night.  I had the pleasure of seeing one of the moms who I went on the retreat with and her family and then we were totally surprised to learn that right behind us was the Speech Pathologist who worked with the Engineer at the University when he was 4 and 5.  (We all adored her!) So it was fun to visit and catch-up.

So, in the defense of sugary goodness from the concessions stands.  I got the Tyrant to try a snow cone and he loved it.  I would put a little of the ice kernels on the little spoon-straw thingy and tell him here comes the "ice on the tongue" and he laughed and laughed so hard.  It was a trick that just didn't grow old for him.   It brought both myself and many of the people around him joy as many of them joined in as they watched and listened to his infectious giggle.

I confess that I was not at my best but really felt a small infusion of hope and a determination to kick all this garbage stuff to the curb and get on with living life.  It was also pleasantly surprising and very enjoyable to see the Tyrant make it through the entire evening with joy and wonderment on his face.  Towards the end with the finale the sounds and sights got to be a bit much for him but he just burrowed under the blanket we had brought and had me hold my hands over his ears.

The next day was a bit of a stretch and had some payback (don't they always?) but we kind of planned and expected it so just had a low key day around home planned.  Once the Tryant was down for his nap my husband took both the Engineer and the Comedian over to drool over the classic cars on display.  They did a fabulous job of charming  the owners because they were even invited to sit behind the wheel in a few.

I am so very grateful to our founding fathers for their foresight, courage, and determination in establishing this wonderful country where we are all so richly blessed.  I am humbled at the sacrifice that the men and women in uniform and their families make each and every day to help us keep our freedoms.  I pray that we as a people will do our part to select great leaders who will make the choices to help us stay free now and in the future.

Depression Sucks!

Oh yes it does!  Totally and completely.  It doesn't matter that I have a very valid reason to be depressed, or that my plate is overflowing with stress and trauma.  It doesn't help to be told that my responses are "normal" *rolls eyes*  It just sucks!

I've fought through depression that comes along with chemicals in my body being out of whack due to small aliens life forms growing inside of me multiple times.  Each time the depression was the same but my perspective of it differed and I knew that it was going to end.  There were many people, experiences and thoughts that brought me comfort to help me survive until my body righted all of the chemical processes.


This is different.  I really struggle to figure out how to work through all of the UNBLOGGABLE that is going on in my life.  I've actually done searches at the local library and on Amazon among other places and there just simply isn't any information on how to help your children heal when the UNBLOGGABLE happens or how to help myself as a mother, daughter, aunt, etc.  The closest thing that is not pure fiction that I've come across is a book of teen girls sharing the horror stories of the UNBLOGGABLE things that happened to them when they were growing up.  So either there just is not much information out there or I don't know the right key words to use in my searches.

I remember hearing folk say "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and taking some comfort and strength from that in the land of my trials before.  Now when I'm told that I want to scream at them at the top of my lungs that GOD DID NOT PLAN OR CAUSE THIS UNBLOGGABLE TRIAL TO HAPPEN.  THE ONLY CULPABILITY THAT GOD HAS IS IN ALLOWING ALL PEOPLE TO EXERCISE THEIR AGENCY TO CHOOSE!  That's it....God is not in this trial.  My God could not plan for this to happen to any of his children and sadly I know that much worse than what we are going through happens each and every second somewhere or several somewheres on this planet. I do know that somehow, He will help us to get through and move beyond.  He can use this to make us stronger and to learn things about Him and ourselves that we may not have learned about in other ways.  But God did not sit up and push buttons or even remotely dream up all the terrible things that mankind choose to do to their brothers and sisters.

So while I previously professed to be trying to work a little more PolyAnna into my life.  I haven't been posting because truly there is not a lot of lollipops and sunshine hanging out in my world right now.  I'd welcome prayers and if any of ya all happen to know of some resources I would be most appreciative.  Because somehow we will get through all of this and come out stronger and refined just in time to meet the next move of the Adversary on the other side.

Behold, I have refined you, but not with silver; 

I have chosen you in the furnace of affliction. 

For my own sake, even for my own sake, will I do it: 

for how should My Name be polluted? 

 and I will not give My Glory unto another. (Isaiah 10-11)

Lollipops and Sunshine

 

Image copyright of Gail Rau and used with permission

One of the ladies at the retreat made a comment about my "blog being mostly lollipops and sunshine."   I admit it mostly is.  I try to focus on what is going right in my world.  What I can feel good about.  Where I feel like I'm making some progress and the things that can help keep me going when I'm feeling down or when life is more challenging.

Some people have taken my Pollyanna approach to recording the happenings in my family to mean that everything is easy and that my life is trial free.  Believe me there are days that I wish it were so.  Sometime ago a friend sent me the following quote from the movie Rocky Balboa.   Rocky tells this to his son:



"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"


I loved the quote.  The sender knows who she is and she has my gratitude.  The truth is that my world isn't all sunshine and rainbows or lollipops either.  My reality is that I have two boys with rare medical conditions that keep us guessing and worrying, I also have two boys on the Autism spectrum; one of whom has days where he doesn't stop screaming no matter what we do, we are also in the midst of a very nasty criminal matter and have been ostracized and viciously attacked by those who should be there to support us.


I do write to a few friends as well as for myself personally documenting and processing the difficult things that are going on.  But truthfully I don't want all of that "out there" on the World Wide Web.  Maybe that makes me hypocritical because I love reading and being able to support my friends who are able to put more of their struggles and trials out there.  Sadly, I have  friends who have had their blogs used against them and who have stopped blogging.  Unfortunately, I have recently had my lollipops and sunshine posts attempted to be used to discredit the effect the choices of others have had upon our family.  Which is much of the reasoning behind the URL change and private blog status. 


I like blogging.  I like having a record of our family life and being able to share it with my friends who are flung around the globe.  I love being able to keep in touch and know what is up with your families.  You guys and gals are wonderful.  I love the way that you support me and allow me to offer that support back to you all.

So what I'm really saying is that likely the lollipops and sunshine will continue because that is what keeps me going and moving forward and hopefully in the long run I too will be able to say: 

"We looked for the good in them, and we found it, didn't we?"

as Reverend Ford said to Pollyanna at the end of the movie.

Retreat Reflections

The retreat was wonderful!  I don't think I truly understood how stressed my body was until I had three days of not juggling the boys and their needs and being able to really sleep and let my body relax.  I was lucky enough that the organizer of the retreat, D, lived here in the valley so I rode down with her and we were both a bunch of chatter boxes all the way to the airport.  Once we got to the airport we met another wonderful mom, S, from Arizona.  Then the three of us were chatterboxes all the way to the retreat.  In fact we were chattering so much that we may have missed a few turns and had to do some backtracking in order to get back on the right road.

Before even dropping our luggage off I got to have a wonderful massage and then soak in a hot tub filled with mineral water for quite awhile.  It was amazing!  I could feel the layers of tension melt away, while at the same time I was also becoming aware of exactly how tense I had been.

The quaint and really perfect ranch house that we stayed in was a short walk from the resort so after I was done soaking I walked down to take a look and start to get settled in. By late afternoon everyone had arrived and we all sat around the living room sharing bits and pieces of our lives and why we had wanted to get away.  I think we all knew that everyone coming was carrying heavy loads but the reality of all of it was almost overwhelming.   So then we did what any group of girls do when overwhelmed we ate a yummy dinner and then sat around the table and played silly card games.

I don't know what time it was once we all finally turned in.  Even though it was a late bedtime I slept so well.  It had been weeks since I had been able to sleep through the night without being woken multiple times to deal with a crisis of one kind or another.  It was unbelievable to wake up fully rested and able to just "be" until I was ready to function.  It has been an unusually cold and wet spring in Utah so of course you know it snowed just a bit on Saturday morning.  It made the house seem that much warmer and cozier to see the blanket of snow outside while we were all snug inside.

We had uhm...cookies and cake and lots of other sugary sweet things for breakfast.  Then we decided to have lunch.  Because we had no children with us and we could.  *grin* C, brought some incredible tortilla soup (better than I've ever tasted before). . .I still need to bug her for the recipe.  Then we taught D how to play Settlers of Catan.  I'm not sure if she liked the game or not but I think we all had a good time laughing and teasing throughout the game.

That afternoon we went to "The Crater" a natural geothermal mineral hot spring inside a limestone dome.  I thought it looked like a Volcano Crater.  You could see the sky through the opening above and inside was filled with water at the perfect temperature. There was a couple of enclosed areas to soak in.

as well as the other open area where we could "swim" or float.  The pool was over 60 feet deep so we were all required to wear the fashionable yellow float life preservers to keep us safe.  There were also a couple of groups scuba diving while we were there.

When we paid for the swimming we thought we were only going to be allowed to stay for an hour but we were all surprised when we got out and over 2 hours had passed.  I think we were all grateful that they didn't kick us out after our hour was up.  When I got out of the Crater and we were headed back to the ranch house I realized that for the first time in an untold amount of time I was completely relaxed and feeling like a human being again.  I think the other moms felt the same way.  I was so relaxed that I think I took a nap when we got back to the house and then we were off once again for dinner.  Saturday night is the only time we ate out.  The food was delicious and we were lucky (?) enough to be seated a few feet away from a local life singer/guitar player.  I really enjoyed the instrumental portion.  *grin*  I'm afraid that my body just wasn't sure how to deal with not being all stressed out so I kept zoning off into my own little world.

I met some wonderful ladies and I hope that they all had as great a time as I did.  I really look forward to being able to get together again.  Hopefully next year!