Depression Sucks!

Oh yes it does!  Totally and completely.  It doesn't matter that I have a very valid reason to be depressed, or that my plate is overflowing with stress and trauma.  It doesn't help to be told that my responses are "normal" *rolls eyes*  It just sucks!

I've fought through depression that comes along with chemicals in my body being out of whack due to small aliens life forms growing inside of me multiple times.  Each time the depression was the same but my perspective of it differed and I knew that it was going to end.  There were many people, experiences and thoughts that brought me comfort to help me survive until my body righted all of the chemical processes.


This is different.  I really struggle to figure out how to work through all of the UNBLOGGABLE that is going on in my life.  I've actually done searches at the local library and on Amazon among other places and there just simply isn't any information on how to help your children heal when the UNBLOGGABLE happens or how to help myself as a mother, daughter, aunt, etc.  The closest thing that is not pure fiction that I've come across is a book of teen girls sharing the horror stories of the UNBLOGGABLE things that happened to them when they were growing up.  So either there just is not much information out there or I don't know the right key words to use in my searches.

I remember hearing folk say "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and taking some comfort and strength from that in the land of my trials before.  Now when I'm told that I want to scream at them at the top of my lungs that GOD DID NOT PLAN OR CAUSE THIS UNBLOGGABLE TRIAL TO HAPPEN.  THE ONLY CULPABILITY THAT GOD HAS IS IN ALLOWING ALL PEOPLE TO EXERCISE THEIR AGENCY TO CHOOSE!  That's it....God is not in this trial.  My God could not plan for this to happen to any of his children and sadly I know that much worse than what we are going through happens each and every second somewhere or several somewheres on this planet. I do know that somehow, He will help us to get through and move beyond.  He can use this to make us stronger and to learn things about Him and ourselves that we may not have learned about in other ways.  But God did not sit up and push buttons or even remotely dream up all the terrible things that mankind choose to do to their brothers and sisters.

So while I previously professed to be trying to work a little more PolyAnna into my life.  I haven't been posting because truly there is not a lot of lollipops and sunshine hanging out in my world right now.  I'd welcome prayers and if any of ya all happen to know of some resources I would be most appreciative.  Because somehow we will get through all of this and come out stronger and refined just in time to meet the next move of the Adversary on the other side.

Behold, I have refined you, but not with silver; 

I have chosen you in the furnace of affliction. 

For my own sake, even for my own sake, will I do it: 

for how should My Name be polluted? 

 and I will not give My Glory unto another. (Isaiah 10-11)

Lollipops and Sunshine

 

Image copyright of Gail Rau and used with permission

One of the ladies at the retreat made a comment about my "blog being mostly lollipops and sunshine."   I admit it mostly is.  I try to focus on what is going right in my world.  What I can feel good about.  Where I feel like I'm making some progress and the things that can help keep me going when I'm feeling down or when life is more challenging.

Some people have taken my Pollyanna approach to recording the happenings in my family to mean that everything is easy and that my life is trial free.  Believe me there are days that I wish it were so.  Sometime ago a friend sent me the following quote from the movie Rocky Balboa.   Rocky tells this to his son:



"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"


I loved the quote.  The sender knows who she is and she has my gratitude.  The truth is that my world isn't all sunshine and rainbows or lollipops either.  My reality is that I have two boys with rare medical conditions that keep us guessing and worrying, I also have two boys on the Autism spectrum; one of whom has days where he doesn't stop screaming no matter what we do, we are also in the midst of a very nasty criminal matter and have been ostracized and viciously attacked by those who should be there to support us.


I do write to a few friends as well as for myself personally documenting and processing the difficult things that are going on.  But truthfully I don't want all of that "out there" on the World Wide Web.  Maybe that makes me hypocritical because I love reading and being able to support my friends who are able to put more of their struggles and trials out there.  Sadly, I have  friends who have had their blogs used against them and who have stopped blogging.  Unfortunately, I have recently had my lollipops and sunshine posts attempted to be used to discredit the effect the choices of others have had upon our family.  Which is much of the reasoning behind the URL change and private blog status. 


I like blogging.  I like having a record of our family life and being able to share it with my friends who are flung around the globe.  I love being able to keep in touch and know what is up with your families.  You guys and gals are wonderful.  I love the way that you support me and allow me to offer that support back to you all.

So what I'm really saying is that likely the lollipops and sunshine will continue because that is what keeps me going and moving forward and hopefully in the long run I too will be able to say: 

"We looked for the good in them, and we found it, didn't we?"

as Reverend Ford said to Pollyanna at the end of the movie.

Retreat Reflections

The retreat was wonderful!  I don't think I truly understood how stressed my body was until I had three days of not juggling the boys and their needs and being able to really sleep and let my body relax.  I was lucky enough that the organizer of the retreat, D, lived here in the valley so I rode down with her and we were both a bunch of chatter boxes all the way to the airport.  Once we got to the airport we met another wonderful mom, S, from Arizona.  Then the three of us were chatterboxes all the way to the retreat.  In fact we were chattering so much that we may have missed a few turns and had to do some backtracking in order to get back on the right road.

Before even dropping our luggage off I got to have a wonderful massage and then soak in a hot tub filled with mineral water for quite awhile.  It was amazing!  I could feel the layers of tension melt away, while at the same time I was also becoming aware of exactly how tense I had been.

The quaint and really perfect ranch house that we stayed in was a short walk from the resort so after I was done soaking I walked down to take a look and start to get settled in. By late afternoon everyone had arrived and we all sat around the living room sharing bits and pieces of our lives and why we had wanted to get away.  I think we all knew that everyone coming was carrying heavy loads but the reality of all of it was almost overwhelming.   So then we did what any group of girls do when overwhelmed we ate a yummy dinner and then sat around the table and played silly card games.

I don't know what time it was once we all finally turned in.  Even though it was a late bedtime I slept so well.  It had been weeks since I had been able to sleep through the night without being woken multiple times to deal with a crisis of one kind or another.  It was unbelievable to wake up fully rested and able to just "be" until I was ready to function.  It has been an unusually cold and wet spring in Utah so of course you know it snowed just a bit on Saturday morning.  It made the house seem that much warmer and cozier to see the blanket of snow outside while we were all snug inside.

We had uhm...cookies and cake and lots of other sugary sweet things for breakfast.  Then we decided to have lunch.  Because we had no children with us and we could.  *grin* C, brought some incredible tortilla soup (better than I've ever tasted before). . .I still need to bug her for the recipe.  Then we taught D how to play Settlers of Catan.  I'm not sure if she liked the game or not but I think we all had a good time laughing and teasing throughout the game.

That afternoon we went to "The Crater" a natural geothermal mineral hot spring inside a limestone dome.  I thought it looked like a Volcano Crater.  You could see the sky through the opening above and inside was filled with water at the perfect temperature. There was a couple of enclosed areas to soak in.

as well as the other open area where we could "swim" or float.  The pool was over 60 feet deep so we were all required to wear the fashionable yellow float life preservers to keep us safe.  There were also a couple of groups scuba diving while we were there.

When we paid for the swimming we thought we were only going to be allowed to stay for an hour but we were all surprised when we got out and over 2 hours had passed.  I think we were all grateful that they didn't kick us out after our hour was up.  When I got out of the Crater and we were headed back to the ranch house I realized that for the first time in an untold amount of time I was completely relaxed and feeling like a human being again.  I think the other moms felt the same way.  I was so relaxed that I think I took a nap when we got back to the house and then we were off once again for dinner.  Saturday night is the only time we ate out.  The food was delicious and we were lucky (?) enough to be seated a few feet away from a local life singer/guitar player.  I really enjoyed the instrumental portion.  *grin*  I'm afraid that my body just wasn't sure how to deal with not being all stressed out so I kept zoning off into my own little world.

I met some wonderful ladies and I hope that they all had as great a time as I did.  I really look forward to being able to get together again.  Hopefully next year!