I've been in hiding......

I've been pondering a lot lately about why I find it difficult to share the details of my real life here; not just the cute, funny endearing moments that I find to be true tender mercies that help keep me going. My life is not all darling children and memorable moments. Most days are quite difficult to get through and more often than not I make at least one if not multiple calls to a dear friend begging her to remind me that 1) there is a plan! 2) one day it will all be better than okay, one day it will be celestial and I'll be able to see and know all my boys without the challenges that they face in this life. and 3) that she has hard days too; they are not easier just different challenges and we signed up for this life to be challenged, to be tested and refined.

I think I've decided that it really comes down to a fear of being judged for the reality of my life. The reality of my life is not what I dreamed about when I was in High School, and many around me who know the boys don't truly see them in all their overstimulated glory and often tell me how "perfect" my boys are. I know that they are perfect in that they are sons of a loving Father in Heaven who love them and that they are made in his image. However one of the things that keeps me going is the belief that beyond this life they will not have the struggles with Autism and anxiety that we work so very hard to teach them coping methods for.

I have a select handful of blogs written by strangers that I read. They are all very real in sharing the good, the bad and the ugly in their lives.

One very loving mother is searching for a new family for her son. How do you do that? I don't know. I am grateful each day that I don't have to make the decisions she is making. Yet, I have no doubt that she has prayed and searched for every other option and has regretfully agreed with the specialists that there is no other option. If you visit her site, and read their story I beg of you that you be kind. She is walking a very difficult road.

Another has picked up her family and moved across country to run a RV camp while homeschooling her children experiencing Reactive Attachment Disorder (among other challenges. She takes on life full steam ahead and her consequences for misbehavior really make sense and reemphasize the responsibility that comes with exercising agency.

My dear friend, Grandma Honey, writes about her sweet grandchildren and I find strength most when she shares about little Cami's progress. Well, she isn't a stranger but she lives far from me and so often her posts are just the reminder that I need to keep moving forward on those difficult days.

Yet another lives not far from us and shares their journey through adoption and attachment challengers.

Then there are the Livesay's who moved their family to Haiti in order to adopt into their family and remain their ministering to the Haitian people. Tara's dry wit is so often what I need to remember that even though sometimes it is No good, very bad there is still so much good here on this earth.

Reading about how they are getting through their very difficult days lends me strength (and creativity) to get through some of my challenging days.


I've taken most of the month of October off of pretty much everything. I've not taken the Tiny Tyrant to any therapy appointments so far this month. Nor have we worked on Speech and Social interactions with the Engineer; and I've rescheduled the Comedian's doctor appointments three times so far (and I'm thinking of rescheduling again....). It has been so nice to pretend that our life is normal, if even for a few weeks. There are many things I've been able to do that normally I couldn't even consider like spontaneously take dinner to a neighbor (even if it was in sporadic stages *grin*), go Visiting Teaching at times that I had other commitments, have insanely scheduled days (I'm used to them...really!) spontaneously, volunteer at the boys' school, and even substitute for the PE teacher two days, take charge of organizing an annual Ornament Exchange for a group of friends and go for walks in the beautiful leaves with the boys...and so many other things. For the last three weeks I've really had life be close to what I imagined it would be; sure there have been difficult times but it just seemed easier somehow to not be faced every. single. day. with my sons lack of progress, or setbacks, or areas of development where he looks more like a 3-4 month old rather than the 2 1/2 year old he is chronologically.

Next week, well really tomorrow, I've promised myself that I would get back to the hard work of living. Now that it is here it is so tempting to cancel the home visit on Tuesday; but I know it is not in the best interests of the Tyrant to continue on like this. I know that I've committed to giving my children the best but it is so tempting this month week to settle for good!