Lollipops and Sunshine

 

Image copyright of Gail Rau and used with permission

One of the ladies at the retreat made a comment about my "blog being mostly lollipops and sunshine."   I admit it mostly is.  I try to focus on what is going right in my world.  What I can feel good about.  Where I feel like I'm making some progress and the things that can help keep me going when I'm feeling down or when life is more challenging.

Some people have taken my Pollyanna approach to recording the happenings in my family to mean that everything is easy and that my life is trial free.  Believe me there are days that I wish it were so.  Sometime ago a friend sent me the following quote from the movie Rocky Balboa.   Rocky tells this to his son:



"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"


I loved the quote.  The sender knows who she is and she has my gratitude.  The truth is that my world isn't all sunshine and rainbows or lollipops either.  My reality is that I have two boys with rare medical conditions that keep us guessing and worrying, I also have two boys on the Autism spectrum; one of whom has days where he doesn't stop screaming no matter what we do, we are also in the midst of a very nasty criminal matter and have been ostracized and viciously attacked by those who should be there to support us.


I do write to a few friends as well as for myself personally documenting and processing the difficult things that are going on.  But truthfully I don't want all of that "out there" on the World Wide Web.  Maybe that makes me hypocritical because I love reading and being able to support my friends who are able to put more of their struggles and trials out there.  Sadly, I have  friends who have had their blogs used against them and who have stopped blogging.  Unfortunately, I have recently had my lollipops and sunshine posts attempted to be used to discredit the effect the choices of others have had upon our family.  Which is much of the reasoning behind the URL change and private blog status. 


I like blogging.  I like having a record of our family life and being able to share it with my friends who are flung around the globe.  I love being able to keep in touch and know what is up with your families.  You guys and gals are wonderful.  I love the way that you support me and allow me to offer that support back to you all.

So what I'm really saying is that likely the lollipops and sunshine will continue because that is what keeps me going and moving forward and hopefully in the long run I too will be able to say: 

"We looked for the good in them, and we found it, didn't we?"

as Reverend Ford said to Pollyanna at the end of the movie.

Could it be that God loves broken things?

We are all pretty broken here.  Shattered into infinitesimal pieces.  Don't ask please. The details are not for public consumption.  If you need to know or we need you to know you already do.  Please love us through this, don't push, just know that we need prayers more than ever before.  Pray with us that God can make something greater than we can envision out of our brokenness.  Pray that we will keep praying and keep believing that He can lift us above all of this.  I thought I knew what hard was...but now I know that I had no idea.

Sometimes He lets it rain.....

~Sometimes he lets it rain~
by Kathryn Nelson

She sees the storm clouds gather.
The sky is turning cold and gray.
She knows that something's coming
When she starts to feel this way.
She pleads for intervention,
But heaven offers no relief.
And she would understand
if she could only see that
Sometimes He lets it rain.
He lets the fierce winds blow.
Sometimes it takes a storm
To lead a heart where it can grow.
He can move mountains of grief
And oceans of pain
But sometimes He lets it rain.
When her heart surrenders
To the Master in control
Her spirit learns the lessons of the tempest in her soul.
When it's no longer raging
She can see how far she's come
Through the wisdom and the mercy of the Son.

I know I haven't written anything here for quite awhile. I appreciate those of you who have written to ask if we are doing okay. Life is tough right now. I am struggling to accept all that I am being told by "professionals" about my little guy. He is struggling too, we aren't sure why but earlier this week he started having problems walking and staying balanced while moving and climbing. Hopefully we'll know more after today's appointment. I keep playing the above song over and over, trying to help me remember to let Him be in control and accept this as another Lesson in my Life.




Please don't tell me

only the unimportant things are falling by the way side

how blessed I am

you don't see anything wrong

this too will pass

I am worrying over nothing


Right now I'm just holding onto the thought that this storm, whatever it brings, the sun is still shining above the clouds.

It is hard.

i just don't know anymore...feeling unequal to it all

I am having a difficult time. I don't feel strong, I just want to give up....in fact today I did give up. Just lay on my bed and watched mind and feeling numbing television and left my children to their own devices. My youngest 2 year old who has pervasive developmental delays was going to scream whether I was trying to interact with him or if he was alone..... maybe I am just making excuses, I don't know. I should be loving this time with Spring Break and all my boys home but it just seems to throw us all into CHAOS.


Practically every item of clothing that I would consider for myself or anyone else in the house to wear is filthy in a pile waiting to be washed. I guess I could clean our drawers and closets out easily by just bagging up anything that is folded or hanging up and take them to the DI. My oven and stove both stopped working last week, my water heater stopped working yesterday. I am so tired of only having energy to go to therapy appointments and meet with specialists. I am tired of having growing and learning being such a struggle requiring direct instruction for even the simplest things. I am tired of being a mom. I am tired of being tired. I'm tired of having others in the neighborhood look at me like I must be the laziest woman on the planet to not be able to keep my house clean, and care for my kids.


Why do I have to do more? Why is there so much to do? Why can't my baby say any words? Why do I feel so alone? Why do I always volunteer to help others and then feel stuck because I feel like I've taken on too much? I signed my oldest up for soccer, that makes one more thing to fit in somehow in this insane schedule. He's been extra loving lately...I think he senses how stressed and worn out I am. So does my husband but he feels so helpless and doesn't know what to do to help.

I am so flipping tired of being a failure with never getting ahead or accomplishing anything for more than 5 minutes at a time. Something tells me that somehow if I could just rest enough and start little that maybe someday I could be the mom who could juggle everything again....and yet the thought of even beginning to do all of that in addition to all that I'm trying to handle now just makes me cry.

Help! I've Fallen and Can't Get Up!

I've been having a rough couple of weeks and have been pushing myself to keep going by trying to think of all the sayings people say when hard times are found in abundance.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

If Life were easy, it wouldn't be hard.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

All's well that ends well.

So what about it? Do you all have some encouraging words to help me get through this rough patch?

From a Distance

I was having a really difficult time awhile ago. Then one day I realized those around me are only seeing me from a distance, they do not take the time to see me and know my struggles close-up.

The moon from here on earth looks perfectly smooth and glowing bright, and yet we know that were we to walk on the moon or see it close up with a telescope that it would be covered with an uneven surface and marked by craters from where it has been hit by meteors. A mountain peak from a distance looks smooth, just like we drew them as children; but the one who climbs it intimately knows the crevices, terrain, boulders and vegetation which make it difficult to climb. With the powerful electron microscopes of today we have been shown that not even a tabletop is perfectly smooth. From a distance those around me cannot comprehend why I spent an hour sobbing in an empty dark room, not that they know I did that, as they were so far distant. The closer you get to someone or something the more clearly you see and understand the trials faced.

Among the many commandments that we receive in D&C 42 it states in verse 52, “And they who have not faith to do these things, but believe in me, have power to become my sons, and inasmuch as they break not my laws thou shalt bear their infirmities. Barbara B. Smith counseled us when she was General Relief Society President to be sensitive to the changes that come into others lives as well as our own. How can we do that if we aren’t close enough to know when transitions are happening? Are we truly getting to know and be close to our brothers and sisters in the gospel or are we seeing them from a distance and only seeing what can be viewed from that distance?

“We are constantly being made aware of the realities of life, which include many transitional phases—from youth to maturity, from single to married, from a house filled with children to an empty house, from military to civilian life, from employment to retirement, from married to widowed or divorced, from young and vibrant to old and dependent. Each transition brings with it a special set of stresses and concerns. Each of us needs a listening ear, at times, and encouragement as we seek to find our way. Relief Society officers and teachers and members can offer help through these difficulties. We must be sensitive to the changes that come into each others lives.” (Barbara B. Smith, “The Bond of Charity,” Ensign, Nov. 1980, 103)